I feel exhausted and frustrated and angry and defeated.
I argue with people all the fucking time about why it’s important that they care for like half a minute about what it feels like to hear rape jokes and get singled out by being called a “girl gamer.” And they never care and I’m just That Annoying Feminist Bitch to them and I hate it and I hate them.
Being told that rape victims need to get over it and learn how to take a joke, being told that sometimes people falsely report rape, being told that they know a girl who doesn’t care about hearing things like that, being told that I’m different because I’m like one of the guys, etc. is just fucking exhausting.
I’m not like one of the fucking guys, I’m a woman and you should respect that. I never want to be told that again unless it’s Matt saying I’m “one of The Guys,” because that’s what he calls his group of friends and it’s okay with me. I know that if it bothered me (it genuinely doesn’t) and if I told him it did, he would never say that again. He actually hasn’t said it in a long time.
I’m not a girl gamer, I’m a gamer. I’m not one of the guys, I’m a woman. I’m not an overly sensitive feminist, I’m just tired and angry.
I’m angry because I’m not a real person to them. I’m an object, whether they realize they’re treating me that way or not. I’m an annoyance because I point out problematic things. I’m a bitch because I call them out on shit.
I’ll never see women being treated completely equally in my lifetime, and it hurts so much because I know people who are perpetuating that and I can’t do anything to stop them. It doesn’t bother them, and they don’t realize that I’m sitting here wasting my impossible to find blue mascara that Hot Topic stopped selling years ago because I’m crying and now it’s just running down my face. And if they did, they wouldn’t care.
Because I’m just overly sensitive and that’s my fault.
Rape and violent crimes against women have declined, and we have more strong women portrayed in pop culture than ever before (and I’d argue fewer examples of strong men).
The majority of all protagonists in video games, movies, TV shows, comics, etc. are male. Most of them are strong or admirable in some way. Even the anti-heroes are strong, admirable people that men can identify with. It’s expected that the lead is a white, cis, conventionally attractive male.
The biggest social activism right now is something called a “Slutwalk,” which, I’m sorry… if the big problem that is getting people (vainly) marching in the streets is people calling you names and guilt-tripping you about your sexuality, all I can say is, welcome to the rest of society. Hope you enjoy your stay. I’m against slut shaming, but seriously, call me when you have more serious problems.
Yes, because that’s totally what that is about.
It has nothing to do with the fact that women are treated like shit because of their sexuality. Or the fact that women are taught to be ashamed of their sexuality their entire lives. Or the fact that women who dress or act a certain way are apparently immune to rape because they’re just asking for it or they’re just slutty, amirite?
Why is being anything other than masculine bad? Why do you only count as a man if you like manly things and cling to the idea of masculinity? Is my boyfriend less than a man because he’s not obsessed with being as masculine as possible? No, and I wouldn’t love him if he was. It’s just like saying women are only women if they’re feminine. That’s not how that fucking works. That’s part of what feminism is. It’s still more acceptable to be a metrosexual/more feminine guy than a masculine female. He’s well-groomed, must be close with his mother, isn’t he sweet?, he takes care of himself. She’s doesn’t care about her appearance, probably a virgin, probably a lesbian, what man will ever want her?
As far as “feminine pursuits” like being a stay at home parent, that has nothing to do with actual femininity or masculinity. That has to do with society’s views on the roles of men and women. Why is it a bad thing to want to stay home with your child(ren), regardless of gender? If you want to do it, fucking do it. That’s up to you, not me, not anyone else. Be as feminine or masculine as you like, because fuck what everyone else expects of you and be comfortable with yourself. That’s part of what feminism fucking is.
God. Don’t even get me started on the “rape culture” section.
Seriously, this was not a good way to start out the day.
Lara Croft’s attempted rape will make Tomb Raider players want to “protect” her (EuroGamer.net via Kotaku.com)
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Players will want to “protect” an increasingly-battered Lara Croft in the upcoming Tomb Raider reboot, its executive producer has said.
The series’ young heroine will lose her best friend, be beaten, bruised, kidnapped, and finally be subjected to an attempted rape.
“When you see her have to face these challenges, you start to root for her in a way that you might not root for a male character,” executive producer Ron Rosenberg explained to Kotaku.
“When people play Lara, they don’t really project themselves into the character. They’re more like ‘I want to protect her.’ There’s this sort of dynamic of ‘I’m going to this adventure with her and trying to protect her.’”
Oh, look. Someone wrote out every single one of my feelings. That’s handy.
Beyond, Last of Us, and AC: Lib get my love for female character portrayals. Tomb Raider can fuck right off at this point.
dear white knights,
before you tell a girl she looks better without makeup
or that she doesn’t need to work out
or that she doesn’t need fancy clothes
or that she’s beautiful just the way she is
ask yourself this question: “who asked you?”
Can men ever win? I mean, I understand what you’re saying but you are taking one extreme to another now. If a guy says that a girl doesn’t need to wear make up or expensive clothes, he’s not saying it with any bad intentions. He’s saying it because a lot of (I’d dare say most) girls have insecurity issues.
He isn’t ordering her by saying “Hey babe, don’t wear make up cuz I like your natural face better” he is saying, “You can wear makeup if you like. But I want you to know I think you’re beautiful with or without it.”
I’m all for feminism, and I’m not necessarily saying that this is a man-hating post. But you gotta cut men a break eventually. Not everything they say or do is with malicious intent.
Normally I support your posts but this I just can’t support. We’re giving guys too many rules and guidelines they need to follow. You’re not allowing any room for error- human error. You know, cuz they’re human?I understand not using the term “friend zone” and such… but now a guy can’t even tell a girl that he thinks she is beautiful regardless of possessions or not? Come on.
^exactly
just get off yo high horse and take the compliment
ok here’s my issue with that. the whole white knighting phenomenon comes from the idea that girls wear makeup, wear nice clothes, work out, etc to gain male approval. so when a white knight tells her she “doesn’t need to” he is somehow unshackling her from the male approval standard that she is holding herself to.
if i am outwardly expressing insecurity about something, then sure i don’t mind you saying, “your hair looks fine” or “you look fine without makeup.” but when some guy tells me unsolicited, he is assuming i’m insecure and assuming i’m looking for his approval. i’m not saying it’s malicious (like i said before, it’s not that it’s offensive). i’m saying it’s presumptuous. “who asked you?” doesn’t mean “say nothing at all.” it means, is it an appropriate time to express my opinion or am i just making an unsolicited suggestion? such as “you don’t need to work out.” what? but i want to work out? who said i work out for your approval?
“you look better without makeup” is not a compliment. it’s a preference. “you look pretty without makeup” is a compliment.
In reply to the bolded part: fuck all of that and you’re also kind of a dick.
If someone’s doing these things only because they’re insecure, there’s a bigger issue. Saying “Oh, you don’t need to do this” isn’t going to help. Years and years of low self-esteem isn’t going to be fixed because one white knighting motherfucker said “You don’t need to work out.”
But for the rest of us who like to look a certain way by using makeup or “fancy” clothes or working out (which can also be done to improve health), I’m going to quote the great (and fictional) Noxeema Jackson:
Approval neither desired nor required.
Ashley Judd’s ‘puffy’ appearance sparked a viral media frenzy. But, the actress writes, the conversation is really a misogynistic assault on all women.
“The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.
As an actor and woman who, at times, avails herself of the media, I am painfully aware of the conversation about women’s bodies, and it frequently migrates to my own body. I know this, even though my personal practice is to ignore what is written about me. I do not, for example, read interviews I do with news outlets. I hold that it is none of my business what people think of me. I arrived at this belief after first, when I began working as an actor 18 years ago, reading everything. I evolved into selecting only the “good” pieces to read. Over time, I matured into the understanding that good and bad are equally fanciful interpretations. I do not want to give my power, my self-esteem, or my autonomy, to any person, place, or thing outside myself. I thus abstain from all media about myself. The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, my personal integrity, and my relationship with my Creator. Of course, it’s wonderful to be held in esteem and fond regard by family, friends, and community, but a central part of my spiritual practice is letting go of otheration. And casting one’s lot with the public is dangerous and self-destructive, and I value myself too much to do that.
However, the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about.
A brief analysis demonstrates that the following “conclusions” were all made on the exact same day, March 20, about the exact same woman (me), looking the exact same way, based on the exact same television appearance. The following examples are real, and come from a variety of (so-called!) legitimate news outlets (such as HuffPo, MSNBC, etc.), tabloid press, and social media:
One: When I am sick for more than a month and on medication (multiple rounds of steroids), the accusation is that because my face looks puffy, I have “clearly had work done,” with otherwise credible reporters with great bravo “identifying” precisely the procedures I allegedly have had done.
Two: When my skin is nearly flawless, and at age 43, I do not yet have visible wrinkles that can be seen on television, I have had “work done,” with media outlets bolstered by consulting with plastic surgeons I have never met who “conclude” what procedures I have “clearly” had. (Notice that this is a “back-handed compliment,” too—I look so good! It simply cannot possibly be real!)
Three: When my 2012 face looks different than it did when I filmed Double Jeopardyin 1998, I am accused of having “messed up” my face (polite language here, the F word is being used more often), with a passionate lament that “Ashley has lost her familiar beauty audiences loved her for.”
Four: When I have gained weight, going from my usual size two/four to a six/eight after a lazy six months of not exercising, and that weight gain shows in my face and arms, I am a “cow” and a “pig” and I “better watch out” because my husband “is looking for his second wife.” (Did you catch how this one engenders competition and fear between women? How it also suggests that my husband values me based only on my physical appearance? Classic sexism. We won’t even address how extraordinary it is that a size eight would be heckled as “fat.”)
That the conversation about my face was initially promulgated largely by women is a sad and disturbing fact.
Five: In perhaps the coup de grace, when I am acting in a dramatic scene inMissing—the plot stating I am emotionally distressed and have been awake and on the run for days—viewers remarks ranged from “What the f—k did she do to her face?” to cautionary gloating, “Ladies, look at the work!” Footage from “Missing” obviously dates prior to March, and the remarks about how I look while playing a character powerfully illustrate the contagious and vicious nature of the conversation. The accusations and lies, introduced to the public, now apply to me as a woman across space and time; to me as any woman and to me as every woman.
That women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient. Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women.
A case in point is that this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. (That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.)
News outlets with whom I do serious work, such as publishing op-eds about preventing HIV, empowering poor youth worldwide, and conflict mineral mining in Democratic Republic of Congo, all ran this “story” without checking with my office first for verification, or offering me the dignity of the opportunity to comment. It’s an indictment of them that they would even consider the content printable, and that they, too, without using time-honored journalistic standards, would perpetuate with un-edifying delight such blatantly gendered, ageist, and mean-spirited content.
I hope the sharing of my thoughts can generate a new conversation: Why was a puffy face cause for such a conversation in the first place? How, and why, did people participate? If not in the conversation about me, in parallel ones about women in your sphere? What is the gloating about? What is the condemnation about? What is the self-righteous alleged “all knowing” stance of the media about? How does this symbolize constraints on girls and women, and encroach on our right to be simply as we are, at any given moment? How can we as individuals in our private lives make adjustments that support us in shedding unconscious actions, internalized beliefs, and fears about our worthiness, that perpetuate such meanness? What can we do as families, as groups of friends? Is what girls and women can do different from what boys and men can do? What does this have to do with how women are treated in the workplace?
I ask especially how we can leverage strong female-to-female alliances to confront and change that there is no winning here as women. It doesn’t actually matter if we are aging naturally, or resorting to surgical assistance. We experience brutal criticism. The dialogue is constructed so that our bodies are a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others—and in my case, to the actual public. (I am also aware that inevitably some will comment that because I am a creative person, I have abdicated my right to a distinction between my public and private selves, an additional, albeit related, track of highly distorted thinking that will have to be addressed at another time).
If this conversation about me is going to be had, I will do my part to insist that it is a feminist one, because it has been misogynistic from the start. Who makes the fantastic leap from being sick, or gaining some weight over the winter, to a conclusion of plastic surgery? Our culture, that’s who. The insanity has to stop, because as focused on me as it appears to have been, it is about all girls and women. In fact, it’s about boys and men, too, who are equally objectified and ridiculed, according to heteronormative definitions of masculinity that deny the full and dynamic range of their personhood. It affects each and every one of us, in multiple and nefarious ways: our self-image, how we show up in our relationships and at work, our sense of our worth, value, and potential as human beings. Join in—and help change—the Conversation.”
-Ashley Judd
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/04/09/ashley-judd-slaps-media-in-the-face-for-speculation-over-her-puffy-appearance.html
AZ HB 2036 was introduced to the House last week after sailing through the Arizona State Senate, and I must say even in the world of anti-abortion law this shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s.
The law stipulates that life begins not when the sperm meets the egg, but on the final day of the expectant mother’s last menstruation cycle. So the baby becomes a baby the day its mommy’s flow abates, not the day mommy’s self-esteem is low enough to let daddy touch her…meaning the fetus is conceived….before conception.
The Arizona State Senate (logical wizards that they are) got around this small detail by tweaking the language of the bill. By side-stepping the word conception and talking about the “pain-capable unborn child” in terms of its “gestation” they are able to make the claim that a child’s road to life begins the moment it starts its trek down the fallopian tube. Because that’s when it starts to gestate right?
Actually yes, according to the strict, scientific definition of the term “gestation”, but many scientists don’t like using gestational age because it is an extremely imprecise measure. It may be the most convenient way to determine a fetus or embryo’s age, but it is far from the most accurate. But hey, these people were never that into science anyway, so I’ll stop nitpicking in this arena. I’m just glad they showed up to the science party. I mean they missed the point, but at least they’re here, know what I’m saying?
So setting the science aside for a moment, let’s consider the legal implications of this bad boy. I mean, sure, it sets back the date at which a woman can get an abortion (the number goes from 20 weeks to 18, making it more difficult for the mother to have any kind of medical information about the fetus on which to base her decision), but I’m more concerned about the precedent this sets beyond abortion law.
If the baby becomes a baby before sperm ever enters the picture, could I (at some point in the future) be held responsible for every egg that passes through me unfertilized? According to this law they’re all alive, right? My eggs? They’re just waiting for a man (I’m guessing one who fears god and owns multiple guns is preferable) to bestow his great and generous Gift upon me? Well what if he doesn’t show up? Is he responsible for murdering Jordan Jr. or am I? (Hahahaha Good one, but let’s be real. The woman would be responsible. It’s like that old saying: You menstruate it, you bought it.)
Ok. So I think I’ve got it. From the age of 12-ish on all ladies should be constantly with child. Good. Great. We’ll start working on that.
But wait. Aren’t these anti-abortion advocates the same people that want me to be abstinent until I’m legally wed (to a man)? This is confusing. So I have to get married when I’m, like, 12 in Arizona? Ew. Boys are yucky. They have cooties and sometimes they try to fart on me at recess. But I mean I guess. If I have to. To stay out of baby-killer prison.
Luckily, in Arizona you can get married at 12 as long as you have parental consent and a court order which, thanks to the potentially incriminating tag team efforts of 2036 and my menstrual cycle, shouldn’t be difficult to compel. And thank god for that. I mean I may not be able to marry a same sex partner or learn Mexican-American History in Arizona, but at least civil rights have progressed far enough to let a 12 year old get married so she doesn’t get thrown in jail for getting her first period. They do things right in the Grand Canyon State. Rosa Clark knows what I’m talking about.
I had my first period when I was about 9. What are the rules for baby-killing 9 year olds in Arizona?
Honestly, I’m feeling worn down by all of this. I’m exhausted from being angry all the time because for some reason a whole lot of old white dudes care about what I do with my uterus. Why? Why do you care so much? Why do you care about what I do with my uterus? I’m the one who’s had it for 22ish years. I’m the one who chilled inside a uterus for 9.5 months (I was late) while cells divided to form my body. I don’t tell you what to do with your body. I don’t say “Well, you’re misusing your penis because I say so, so now I’m going to place restrictions on it.” I don’t try to pass legislation to restrict how you use your genitals. I don’t tell you that you’re immoral for doing something legal and consensual with your penis. So why the fuck do you care so fucking much about what I do with my uterus and my vagina? Keep your awful “morals” away from my body and I’ll keep my stilettos away from your balls.
ETA: I forgot to mention how much I adore you, Jordan. Because I really, really do.
when people ask me why I love Obama so much I kind of just stare at them blankly
That’s our usual reaction too.
I almost just burst into tears. I’m not even joking. I’ve been so angry and sad all the time because there are people running this country that think I’m not a person. They think I can’t make my own decisions. They think my mental and physical health isn’t worth caring about. They think that they have the right to dictate what I can do with my own body. But this guy, this fuckin guy right here, is the head of my country and he says the same thing I do:
Well fuck that.
For the dudebros who don’t concern themselves with access to birth control, abortion, daycare, etc.—I would love to see how you would manage a life or a career if your plans were constantly being interrupted by pregnancy. I really would.
And before you interject with any “just close your legs! if you don’t want to get pregnant, don’t have sex!” business, please remember one thing: someone out there is getting women pregnant, and it isn’t the Holy Spirit.
emphasis mine
I am seeing red right now.
Why is the GOP so fucking anti-poor, anti-women this year? Or was I just not paying attention in previous years?
“Pro-abortion agenda”? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING RICK. THAT OBAMA SUPPORTS WOMEN’S HEALTH BECAUSE OF SOME SICK FASCINATION WITH “KILLING BABIES”? Is that the only way you can convince yourself that depriving hundreds of thousands of women of their primary source of healthcare is okay??
You want to call Obama’s support for women’s health POLITICS? How is enacting this bill right now in the heat of the contraceptives debates not politics? How is this NOT PANDERING TO THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT WHO ARE ALREADY UP IN ARMS?
THIS IS DEFINITION POLITICS AT THE EXPENSE OF HUMAN LIVELIHOOD.
I cannot begin to describe how much I LOATHE Rick Perry.
Best thing I have read/seen in a long time. Thank you Jon Stewart. You are perfect.
Dear Taylor Swift,
I’m sorry that the boy who is undoubtedly your eternal soul mate is dating Satan and not you. What does this boy see in a girl who wears high heels, short skirts, and is the cheer captain? Doesn’t he know that those are warning signs of a morally depraved female? Clearly you, a glasses-wearing, socially outcast, real teenage girl who presents herself modestly, are more deserving of attention from boys. You are obviously cut of a superior moral fabric than that harlot. Doesn’t she know it is not a woman’s place to embrace sexuality? She could end up like your friend Abigail from that other song, who had sex with a boy and therefore RUINED HER ENTIRE LIFE AND LOST EVERYTHING. Poor Abigail forgot that sexual purity is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD and now that she’s not a virgin, her moral character has been crushed into little tiny granules of dirty whore and all of the Jesus-glue in the world can’t save her. I sincerely hope that this boy whom you love so wholesomely and purely will one day see that he does indeed belong with you. Someday he’ll realize that women who don’t hide their vaginas away from the world like the precious, secret treasures that they are are trashy, mean, and shallow. It’s a fact of life. She is an evil temptress and he deserves better.
Best of luck,
Sally
“The Way It Was”: Abortion in the US before Roe v. Wade.
I’m just going to post this as often as possible until pro-lifers read it: abortion rates are the same everywhere, whether abortion is legal or not. 70,000 pregnant people die every year from unsafe abortions, and 5 million more are permanently injured or mutilated by them. KEEP IT LEGAL. KEEP IT SAFE. KEEP IT ACCESSIBLE.
-Jess
Warning: this gets really graphic at times and talks openly about sexual assault.
I kind of forced myself to read this after a certain point because it was making me feel a little ill and anxious. It’s worth it, though. It’s the most open, honest article about pre-Roe abortions that I think I’ve ever read.
I am (cautiously) reblogging this because it’s awesome as fuck.
This book is actually on my Amazon wishlist. I encounter this all the time. Women I grew up with post status updates on Facebook that are like this. I know a fair amount of men who think that all women just hate each other and that it’s normal. I hear women at my college say: “I have more guy friends because girls are bitches.” And all of it makes me want to cry. Mostly because I was like that when I was a teenager because I thought that being a feminist meant being a man-hater. Now I know better.
